It can sometimes be very hard not lose it. You are over heated frustrated and your mate (or your kids, the customer service rep etc) gets on your last nerve and pushes the button that has you going postal. In a new study out of Harvard University that says (and I paraphrase), “the person that can manage their moods and firmly articulate their position in negotiation is one of the secrets of successful people”. I am more succinct. I tell my kids “that the calmest person in the room always wins”.
So besides doing all the things I mentioned above to lower your stress levels, what are rules to argue with your make?
Here is my list of the things I think couples need to be aware of when you catch yourself having the same fight over and over again. It may not be that you can’t resolve the issue, the process may be part of what’s tripping you up.
1. Do it in private and keep it private.
2. Make it relevant. Don’t bring up stuff left over for 10 years ago. And on this note, don’t stockpile so your partner is hit with a laundry list of issues.
3. No name calling or character assassination. In my case this also includes no sticking out of tongues.
4. Allow your partner (or whomever you are fighting with) to retreat with dignity. This doesn’t mean that you get to make a parting “shot” on your way to cool off.
5. Give the fight a time limit. No re-hashing the issues over and over until you both get entrenched. Agree to a time out.
6. Finally, no bad language or blaming. If you can keep your cool you’ll help the other person find a solution.

Despite it being June and with summer holidays looming collectively, we should be in a great mood. That is if it would ever stop raining and we can get finally to the cottage and start our all over tans. Traditionally sunshine and time off (especially we Canadians) makes us feel better. It just seems to me that despite all we do to be happier, we feel overwhelmed. Call it a general grumpiness and a underlying disconnect between couples. Life is stressful. And busy. And if we listened to all the advice about self care we would probably pull out what is left of our hair. At least I know I would. A quick glance through the Supermarket and unread beach magazines offers up an extensive list of must do’s to make us happy, healthy and beautiful. It turns out that we must have connected date nights, exercise an hour a day, eat organically, take the right supplements, get over 8 hours of sleep, engage in meditation, along with community involvement, have fresh air and intimate time. Sound familiar? If I listened to all the propaganda about having a great life, I doubt I or anyone would get any work done. So how do you know what advice to follow and how do you fit it in a schedule bulging at the seams as it is?

If you figure it out let me know. Smile. Seriously, the longer I’ve been a shrink the more I am convinced that we are ruled by a million years of evolution and all the proteins coursing through our body. Hormones tell us how to behave, regulate our happiness to a much greater degree than they ever explained to us budding therapists back in those dusty lecture halls. It turns out that achieving hormonal health is the key to happiness. Recent scientific discoveries have proven that the difference between the sexes and how they relate to one another and can be explained by our hormones. Biologically men and women have similarities. Hormonally, we are poles apart. Men have 35 times the testosterone that women have. The higher the testosterone levels, the lower the stress. At middle age men turn into what I call “The Archie Bunker Syndrome”. The ways to increase hormone levels include watching Sports Centre (going to the man cave), fixing things around the house, (feeling competent and powerful), sex, exercise, and generally feeling protective of their mate and families.

For women, it’s all about the hormone Oxytocin. This is the cuddle hormone that your brain starts pumping out when we are first sexual with our partners. It lowers our stress levels and makes us feel connected. We build the most Oxytocin when we give and receive nurturing support. But who has time for nurturing support when we are stressed and busy!!! By nurturing I mean everything from baking healthy muffins for your kids, to ranting to your friends about your co-workers. Sleep, massages, and chocolate also help.
I’ve listed below the best 5 foods that lower your cortisol levels, balance your blood sugar and give off that sharing and giving love feelings.
1. Ginger, lemon and cinnamon tea with honey. It’s got 4 of the ingredients that soothe your inflamed cells, and is something I dink by the potful daily.
2. Coconut Oil. It has become the cooking oil of choice. It stimulates the body to burn more fat, and well as deals with the inflammation of hormonal imbalances.
3. Acai berries. I use 1/2 teaspoon of dried berries in my daily smoothie. Acai berries are known to raise your metabolism without caffeine and lower your stress.
4. Maca Powder. It’s derived from a root from Peru and has been long been associated with sexual functioning. Maca can help stop hot flashes and increase libido.

The Everyone wants to know that they and their partner have an enviable intimate life. At least that you are having better sex than your friends so you can brag about it. If you’ve been in a relationship for a number of years you know that your intimate time can go from “can’t keep your hands off each other” to “hallway sex.” That’s where you pass each other in the hallway and ask “was it good for you?”

I’ve long been preaching out the need to schedule three hours a week for connected, sensuous time for your marriage. study out of the University of California at Berkley suggest that if you can’t give your relationship three uninterrupted hours a week, then it is your marriage that’s on its way to becoming a statistic.
I think it’s more than three hours doing the horizontal mambo with the door locked. I think its trying out creative suggestions to stay connected. That includes playing games, getting your adrenaline up, or a little friendly competition. This means bridge nights with your neighbors, or a game of trivia at the local bar. By competing on the same team, you’ll also improve communication and cooperation, the two behavioral foundations of sexual success.

Secondly, reminding your partner of a time when your sex life was hot and connected. The brain’s internal archivist responds best to strong contextual cues-smells, environments, music, textures, even certain foods-so orient out long-term memories into another night of passion.

Ask what your partner likes in an anonymous way. I love the website mojoupgrade.com. It asks you what turns you on and then sends the list to your partner in a discreet email.

Finally, all over touch. Plan in some cuddle time. I know it sounds simple but it’s huge for releasing oxytocin (see above). Physical contact(cuddling!) and muscle massage both unleash oxytocin and relax both partners. I do an exercise of daily, non-genital touch that is one of my most successful shifting exercises in therapy. I have a list of all the new ideas (everything from painting toes to the best places to park). Get in touch with me at suem@rogers.com and I’ll email you the updated list.

It’s called the 7 dwarves of menopause. Itchy, bitchy, dopey, sleepy, leaky, achy and all dried up. It turns out that the all dried up part is really the first sign that peri-menopause is well established and you are traveling down the yellow brick road to full-on menopause.
Other symptoms include memory change, depression, insomnia, low energy, bladder control issues (peeing when you cough), dry mouth, aches and pains, and poor quality of sleep.

So what’s a girl to do?

A great lube helps. I like the silcone extra-slippery that doesn’t break down like a water based lube. A little Replens or other long-term adhering lubricant also helps. But the truth is you may need more than that.
Here are the rules beyond lube.
1. Masturbate when your body tells you to. It’s like a sneeze, it cleans out the vaginal cavity that regular discharge used to do. It’s even more important for those tissues as you get closer to menopause.
2. Find out your hormonal blood levels. Here is the list of test I usually request that gives me a starting point.:
Estrodiol
Estrone
FSH
Progesterone
DHEA-5
Testosterone
Free Testosterone
Cortisol AM
High Sensitivity CR Protein
3. Decrease the carbs (especially the refined sugars) and increase the protein in your diet.
4. Get some liquid, green chlorophyl from the health food store. It will balance your PH levels and clean out your hoo-hoo.
5. Finally, call your doctor and don’t take no for an answer. It really won’t get better on its own, and if your progesterone and estrogen dip too low then you also will start having problems orgasming. Gasp! I know, that would have me pounding my head into a wall. If you need some help, call me 613-355-1786. I’ll see you in person, or by skype and will make a difference within three sessions.

It’s hockey playoff time. I have for many years wrote about the sexiness of playoff beards. Everyone has something that makes then catch their breath and bite their tongue. For me it’s burly, sweaty men and facial hair. I like men that look like men. It turns out that there is some physiological reasons for this.

Being hyper masculine, square jawed, broad shouldered, with a 5 O’clock shadow makes men look more virile. Meaning their boys can swim and they make good genetic choices for our ovaries. Those qualities have women thinking about baby-making (or at least practicing) in our primitive or limbic “we want to have monkey sex” brains. The opposite is also true. Feminized women who smell nice, are pink, cute, and sway their hips are also trigger heat from their partners. There is something about playing those exaggerated roles of masculine and feminine that has our primitive brains hard wired for sex.

These behaviours bump up our sex hormones, testosterone and progesterone. This in turn makes us friskier.

It also turns out that watching sports also increases our testosterone. But only if our team wins. This was the abstract of a great study that tested the hormones in saliva during basketball and soccer games. And those guys don’t have playoff beards. Smile. So test my hormones on Friday night when the Ottawa Senators win game 2 of the second round. Maybe that’s why I’m inclined to have halftime or intermission sex.

Basking in reflected glory, in which individuals increase their self-esteem by identifying with successful others, is usually regarded as a cognitive process that can affect behavior. It may also involve physiological processes, including changes in the production of endocrine hormones. The present research involved two studies of changes in testosterone levels among fans watching their favorite sports teams win or lose. In the first study, participants were eight male fans attending a basketball game between traditional college rivals. In the second study, participants were 21 male fans watching a televised World Cup soccer match between traditional international rivals. Participants provided saliva samples for testosterone assay before and after the contest. In both studies, mean testosterone level increased in the fans of winning teams and decreased in the fans of losing teams. These findings suggest that watching one’s heroes win or lose has physiological consequences that extend beyond changes in mood and self-esteem.

Dr. Brothers sat behind a large table in her demur sweater set and smiled that Mona Lisa smile of hers. At least I thought it looked like a Mona Lisa smile. She was laughing at something her aid said when I approached her to look the books she had in front of her. I was a young, newly minted therapist at a Psychology of Media convention in California, and she was the great guru of radio therapy. In those days I hosted a “Sex with Sue’ call-in show on an Ottawa am station called 54 Rock. I could answer the listeners questions, but had absolutely no radio skills.

Her advice was “to offer up the facts, and deal with the person, not the issue” when I asked her why she thought she had been so successful.

Her advice resonated. At least what she did for women in media- especially women Psychologists in Media, was to show that you could be authentically yourself and still be heard.

She was a great broadcaster, an ever better Psychologist and she helped so many people. She died yesterday at the age of 85. She was a great lady and she died as she lived. With class and grace.

My friend Lynda has a Bastille Day Golf Tournament every July. She isn’t French, she just likes to celebrate holidays from other cultures with great food (she is quite a gourmand) and Bastille Day fell on the right day in July. The winner of our golf tournaments had to show the best demonstration of fashion using the colors of the French Flag. Oh, and the person who collected the most golf balls on the course also got a prize.

I have stolen Lynda’s idea for many a dinner party and regularly choose random cultural events as an excuse for a party. I’ve had an event to celebrate South African Freedom Day (April 21st), The Kiwi Waitangi Day (Feb 6th in New Zealand) which is a good alternative to friends who have a “hurry up Spring Groundhog Day party”.

For the uninformed, today is Cinco de Mayo (the 5th of May) and is the day 155 years ago when a small group of ragtag Mexicans kicked the ass of the French military in The Battle of Puebla. Having been to Mexico many times, I know my Mexican friends share in my philosophy of “any excuse for a good party”. Spif my sweetie was once in Mexicali during the World Cup when the Mexican soccer team soundly defeated the French team (sound familiar?). He said the food gave him Montezuma’s revenge for a week, but it was an unforgettable party with televisions broadcasting the game in the city’s square. He said he had his bottom pinched by Mexican grandmothers, and felt a kinship for all his Mexican amigos.

There is something about the Latin “joie de vivre” (love of life) that you feel irregardless of how much tequila you’ve consumed. Think about charming Mexican waiters who are politely appreciative without seeming creepy, and beautiful girls in peasant blouses. And a not-so-subtle hint that when the sun goes down over the Gulf the amantes (lovers) unabashedly come out to show that Latino’s are deserving of the world’s greatest lovers handle.

So in celebration of our Mexican cousins I encourage you to make some blender drinks, find some latin music on Songza and grab your amante for a little loving. As your neighborhood sex therapist its more than just a good idea. It’s almost patriotic.

New Research on having a spectacular love life.

New Top 5 surprising things you can do to keep your marriage magic.

Great relationships are a gift to everyone else around them. Magic, connected relationships, are what most married couples are hoping to achieve before we go kicking and screaming into the light. Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman come to mind as one such couple (okay, before he died). Conan O’Brien at this week’s White House correspondence dinner suggested that President and Michelle Obama’s marriage is one to emulate. Even old British rockers seem to make it work. Supermodel Iman says about her long time husband David Bowie “my heart still flutters when he walks in the room”.

So what’s the secret to these kind of relationships? According to the survey out this week in Psychology Today, many marriages simply deteriorate because couples allow their relationships to run on ‘autopilot.” Things get stale, but partners somehow expect expect them to stay healthy and exciting without doing the work to keep them that way..
Here are some of the top 5 things you can do to stay the course and have one of those magic marriages.

1. Sell yourself and your partner on the relationship.
With very few exceptions, we human beings tend to base our sense of self-worth on the things that are most important to us. It’s common to hear people proudly say, “I’m a manager,” or, “I have a really cool car”. But how often do you hear, “I have the world’s greatest partner? Use your words and tell your partner they mean everything to you.
Read More

Top 5 suggestions for finding a new love this spring.

Oprah came to Ottawa this month to talk about love, the universe and her awesome shoes. Women came from all over to be inspired, connect with other great women, and hear about what’s relevant to modern women.

One of her speakers was Columbia University-trained social worker Vasavi Kumar who spoke about how people can renew their dating life. Vasavi, who went from suburban married life to back on the dating circuit had some great ideas about finding a new partner. I just expanded on them and offer up “Sue-isms” that will keep you in play this spring.

Give the nice guy/girl a chance. Kind people don’t always finish last. I hear from my patients all the time. There is something about the bad apple that makes us weak in the knees. I wish I had given all the High School geeks more time when I had the chance. They all grew up to get amazing jobs and treat the women in their lives like princesses.
Read More

Heal your metabolism, and improve your libido. 5 Tips.
One of the big perks of being a media shrink are the book review copies I get sent to me. Interesting new reads that come out just magically appear in my office mail compliments of all the mainstream publishers. It’s like Christmas. And I devour all the new material in the area of sex, relationships, intimacy and health. Given my lifelong struggles to keep my figure from blowing up and resembling the Michelin Man, I am always looking for new insights in the field of diet and weight management. So, without exaggeration I can honestly say that I have read 40% of all of the new health/weight loss books put out by major publishers in the last few years.

These books all have seem to have a sameness about them. I’m always excited to get a book with with new insights, or new information. So I was so happy to read Haylie Pomroy’s, The Fast Metabolism Diet. Pomroy a young, hip, California celebrity nutritionist has had fantastic results with her plan that claims to “lose 28 pounds in 28 days” healthy weight loss plan. Pomroy has had incredible word-of-mouth results because hers works. She’s even had the King of Jordan fly in for a consultation. What’s interesting to me is that she aims to heal wounded and broken metabolisms and in doing so can heat up other aspects of overall health. Including…your libido.

She outlines five tips that seem to work. I’m heading into week 3 of my 28 days and I’m down close to 10 pounds. If I continue to lose, I’ll start posting pictures of my svelte new body. Her information works in conjunction with my Libido Diet (which I use supplements and brainwashing to find your sexy self). The basic premise works on ways to stoke up your internal furnace.

Here are the 5 steps that my Libido Diet and Pomroy’s Fast Metabolism kick-start have in common. Get on them, get skinny and find your inner sex tiger/tigress.
1. No dairy, no breads, no peanuts, no rice, no sweets. No exceptions.
2. Eat 5 times a day. Even if you don’t feel hungry. You need fuel to keep the furnace burning.
Read More

The Top 5 new Therapy Tips from your relationship shrink.
Sue McGarvie (613) 355-1786
suem@rogers.com

Love and Lipstick, 81 Pooler Ave, Ottawa, ON K2B 5A4, CANADA

Great relationships are a gift to everyone else around them. Magic marriages, are the ones who seem to get it right. Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman come to mind as one such couple (okay, before he died). Conan O’Brien at this week’s White House correspondence dinner suggested that President and Michelle Obama’s marriage is one to emulate. Even old British rockers seem to make it work. Supermodel Iman says about her long time husband David Bowie “my heart still flutters when he walks in the room”.

So what’s the secret to these kind of relationships? According to the survey out this week in Psychology Today, many marriages simply deteriorate because couples allow their relationships to run on ‘autopilot.” Things get stale, but partners somehow expect expect them to stay healthy and exciting without doing the work to keep them that way..
Here are some of the top 5 things you can do to stay the course and have one of those magic marriages.

Sell yourself and your partner on the relationship.
With very few exceptions, we human beings tend to base our sense of self-worth on the things that are most important to us. It’s common to hear people proudly say, “I’m a manager,” or, “I have a really cool car”. But how often do you hear, “I have the world’s greatest partner? Use your words and tell your partner they mean everything to you.

Communicate with three things:
Eye contact, touch and words of love. My friend and colleague Dr. Martin Rovers says these are three most important things we can do with our partners. They emulate our first memories (parents) who give us eye contact, a loving touch, and tell us they love us.

Be clear about how your partner feels love.
It’s the Love Languages message meaning that some people feel love in a different way that you do. I have a friend who needs a hug to feel love, another who lives for the notes her husband puts in her lunch and I desperately need to be told those three little words in order to feel it.

You can’t fix anyone else.
“The more time you spend trying to change your spouse, the less time you have for improving yourself,”. And as I tell my patients, ” I can’t even manage the fish”. You can’t change anyone else, DO NOT think you can. You can only work on yourself. And its time to work.

Date Nights. It’s time to take your sweetie on a date.
When you’re newly in love and in full courtship mode, you do everything you can to spend every free moment with your partner. Eventually though, work, kids, responsibilities, and life in general tend to get in the way of your relationship with your spouse. The two of you stop doing fun things with only one another, and it’s easy to go weeks at a time without having any serious conversations that don’t revolve around work, money, or kids. That’s why it’s imperative to set aside time to date your spouse. Especially date nights. I have a list of 50 sensuous activities to do on a romantic night. Find they on this site and start implementing one a week.

Oprah came to Ottawa this month to talk about love, the universe and her awesome shoes. Women came from all over to be inspired, connect with other great women, and hear about what’s relevant to modern women.

One of her speakers was Columbia University-trained social worker Vasavi Kumar who spoke about how people can renew their dating life. Vasavi, who went from suburban married life to back on the dating circuit had some great ideas about finding a new partner. I just expanded on them and offer up “Sue-isms” that will keep you in play this spring.

Give the nice guy/girl a chance. Kind people don’t always finish last. I hear from my patients all the time. There is something about the bad apple that makes us weak in the knees. I wish I had given all the High School geeks more time when I had the chance. They all grew up to get amazing jobs and treat the women in their lives like princesses.

Don’t get stuck in a “type”-why to be open when choosing a date. I tell women to look twice at the short guys, and for men to know that the “librarian types” usually burn hot. Don’t be shallow. Look past the looks, past the way he fills out his wallet, and find out if he/she makes you smile.

Find Beauty in Imperfection: “Ever wonder how some couples just seem to have it all together? Like their life is simply ‘perfect?’ With the age of Facebook, Twitter, and other social networking sites, It’s really easy to get caught up in the ‘their life is so AH-mazing and my life sucks’ mentality’. I have a secret to share with you. Most of the time what you see ‘out there’ is rarely ever a true representation of what actually is. You see, it’s easy to get caught in the ‘perfection’ of other people’s lives and miss out on the beauty of our own life”.

Don’t be your own worst enemy. Don’t sabotage yourself by listening to the voices in your head. Love Yourself First: “Dating isn’t hard at all. It’s hard however when you don’t have an intimate relationship with yourself. The problem is, when we are not happy in our lives, we bring that energy into our personal relationships. When you don’t know who YOU are, you will fall for anything and everyone OR you will continue to push away a potential partner because you believe dating has to be hard and how could it be this easy.” Think No BS. Don’t keep saying, ‘Why is dating so hard? I just can’t seem to find the right one!’ The fact of the matter is, if you tell yourself it’s hard, it will be and you will manifest that in every potential relationship.

Make yourself marketable. As a sex therapist I know that “men are looking for kind women that look good, who like sex.” Dating is the time to re-jig your look and spend some time honing the packaging. If you are really stuck, call the local modelling agencies. They can usually recommend an image consultant that will take you from geeky to gorgeous.