Spif (my wonder partner and fellow therapist) and I have been leading a number of libido boot camps. Think couples evenings that take 4 hours to go through the common libido killers and how to fix them. We’ve been taking about hormones, romance, date nights, supplements, tantric sex, abundant health, and feeling sexy.
It’s been eye opening to see how some couples are stuck when it comes to intimacy. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve written volumes about low libido related to physical issues such as food sensitivities, getting off the birth control pills, anti-depressants, low estrogen and progesterone among other things. But if you can’t articulate how you feel about sex, acts you like about sex, and ways you feel sexy then no amount of hormone in the world is going to magically cross the chasm in your bedroom.
I’ve edited down this questionnaire that I’m sharing with you to see if you can get the conversation started. Answer it, and if you still need help email me at suem@rogers.com. I have skype and phone patients all over the world and I can help you put that bounce back in your step.
Promise.

INSTRUCTIONS: Listed below are several statements that concern the topic of sexual relationships. Please read each item carefully and decide to what extent it is characteristic of you. Some of the items refer to a specific sexual relationship. Whenever possible, answer the questions with your current partner in mind. If you are not currently dating anyone, answer the questions with your most recent partner in mind. If you have never had a sexual relationship, answer in terms of what you think your responses would most likely be. Then, for each statement fill in the response on the answer sheet that indicates how much it applies to you by using the following scale:
A = Not at all characteristic of me.
B = Slightly characteristic of me.
C = Somewhat characteristic of me.
D = Moderately characteristic of me.
E = Very characteristic of me.

1. I am confident about myself as a sexual partner.
2. I think about sex all the time.
3. My sexuality is something that I am largely responsible for.
4. I am very aware of my sexual feelings.
5. I feel anxious when I think about the sexual aspects of my life.
6. I’m very assertive about the sexual aspects of my life.
7. I am depressed about the sexual aspects of my life.
8. I wish I was more sexually open.
9. I am somewhat afraid of being sexual with my partner.
10. I think sex is boring and doesn’t fulfill me
11. I am very satisfied with the way my sexual needs are currently being met.
12. I am a pretty good sexual partner.
13. I think about sex more than anything else.
14. There is so much more I would like to do sexually
15. The sexual aspects of my life are determined in large part by my own behavior.
16. I’m very aware of my sexual motivations.
17. I’m strongly motivated to devote time and effort to sex.
18. I’m not very direct about voicing my sexual preferences.
19. I am disappointed about the quality of my sex life.
20. I’m very concerned with how others evaluate the sexual aspects of my life.
21. I tend to be preoccupied with sex.
22. There are sexual things I would like to do that my partner doesn’t know about.

Scoring
The answers are coded so that A = 0; B = 1; C = 2; D = 3; and E = 4.

A new type of dating website for the rich and beautiful

I just read about this and wanted to pass it along…

nline dating sites compete for only 10% market share with a steady decline of subscription revenue due to a short shelf life thereby aggressively chasing the same customers. Janis Spindel bucks that trend.

In a bold move, high end and six figure upfront retainer fee Matchmaker opens the doors to the mass market previously only accessible to the rich and exclusive.

Launching her new online matchmaking site on November 24th, 2011, Spindel offers a free online dating platform with no credit card required to search and contact other members.

She also retains her 20 year successful model of her high end matchmaking platform where members must go through a series of background checks and video profile approvals.

Spindel herself makes the final judgement to allow or decline membership for this exclusive and expensive top tier site.

Spindel feels that not only can she capture a portion of that 10% market share that other online dating sites are competing for, she can also expand to the other 90% of the untapped population.

Her online matchmaking site, www.2lovetoday.com is interactive and rewards those who participate by offering free matches not normally found with other dating sites.

Janis Spindel, America’s top Matchmaker, is blending online dating with traditional Matchmaking all with one click, not to mention a mobile GPS app for the spontaneous member.

So you find yourself biting your knuckle when she walks by. You catch yourself stammering hello when you run into him in the elevator. What do you do when you are strongly attracted to someone new?

It happens to the best of us. There are obviously more people on the planet than the one we are wedded to that rings our bell. The question is if the attraction is purely physical (and you just want to shag them), or if the attraction is more than that. I’ve said it before, I’m far, far more concerned about who my sweetie is having coffee with then if he ever had a one night stand.

So what do you do? If it’s about the sex then as a sex therapist it’s telling me that you need some more sexual adventure in your life. Have an affair with your partner. Meet them in a seedy motel room. Set up a fantasy role play. Go see some burlesque. Re-create that newness.

Being involved with another person exclusively can be tough. It puts a lot of pressure on both partners to “complete” the other. It also puts a lot of demands on one’s unwavering focus. And that, quite simply, is unrealistic. There’s nothing wrong with finding other people attractive or knowing that others find your partner attractive.

The problems happen when we become emotionally involved with someone else. They become a friend, become all we think about. They are the person we pour our hearts out to instead of our partners. That’s the sign that something may be missing in your partnership and it’s time you backed away from temptation. One of the key things you can do is to keep the fantasy in your head.

Relationships are hard. And, after we’ve been with someone for a while we tend to define ourselves by how that person sees us. But that’s a dangerous game. What if your partner has a bad day and lashes out by being unkind to you about how you look or things you do or don’t do? You might internalize those unkind words and start feeling badly about yourself. Well don’t. Remember you are who you are. Not who you partner sees you as. And you can use the outside world as a reminder of that. Remember that other people think you’re funny and smart and attractive. You don’t need your partner to always do the reminding.

Finally if you are still struggling it’s time to get help. Most therapists who are worth their salt can help you focus on solutions and help you navigate these difficult times. I see patients by skype all over the world and this is a common issue. My belief is that when you get someone else to mediate you are far more likely to take the results seriously. Send me a note suem@rogers.com and I’ll send you my audio about safe flirting and rules of engagement on being a hot and connected partner.

I do a workshop that states that I will find you your perfect love match in three months or less-guaranteed. Much of what I do is working on your head- getting rid of old beliefs, helping you figure out what’s important to you, and understanding why you’ve made bad dating decisions in the past. It’s also about branding you. Figuring out the image you want to portray and marketing that to the opposite sex.

But for people who just want to jump in and start dating to actually find out what they find attractive I have the following five steps to online dating.

The steps:
1. The reality for this kind of dating is that you need a computer. At the time of writing, you can get a small “reading laptop” like Acer or tablet for less than $300. This kind of computer has less bells and whistles, keeps it simple, and let’s you surf the net and send emails from anywhere. They are portable (they are so small, that we read our electronic books on it) and will fit in most purses and backpacks. You need to be able to check your emails and couple times a day and will need your own computer. If you can use a computer at work then great, and some people are motivated to use the library or community centre computers, but the reality is you have to be able to respond quickly to dating possibilities and need to be able to get online quickly.

2. Set up an anonymous email address. Go to hotmail or my preferred site google and get a gmail account. By anonymous I mean hotblonde@gmail.com, or hockeyfan345@hotmail.com. Something where no one can trace it to you. You may need a couple, but start with one and give yourself a password you can remember. The easier the email address is to remember, the more likely you are to have someone remember your contact information.

3. Go online to google images and type in a description of yourself. By this I mean, 40 year old blonde, girl in cowboy hat, or middle aged man in sunglasses. The reality is that is if you look hard enough, (and or the person in the picture was wearing a hat, or were in glasses you could look sort of like anyone). I don’t want you to put a real picture of yourself until much later in the process. This guarantees anonymity so your work colleagues, ex-husband, parents of your kids friends don’t take notice of you when trolling on the internet. Save any pictures you find under the name (me1, me2, etc).

4. Come up with a list of quirky things about yourself that are interesting, including things you do badly. This is the time to have a sense of humor, and fun things about you that you are proud of. These are things like you played baseball so badly that you got hit on the head during practice, you drive a yellow car with furry dice in the window, you once studies Chinese, you played the bagpipes as a kid etc.

5. Then ask a few people who know you well to list a few characteristics about yourself. You would be amazed at what other people think about you. I can help you write a dating ad (www.loveandlipstick.com and suem@rogers.com) and get it up there. Where else can you have 10,000 people looking at your profile.

Hang in there. The right person is out there for you.

The Sex Therapist’s recipe for increasing libido by Sue McGarvie

I have been seeing some commonalities in the libido patients who have come to my office. Smart, savvy women who self identify as “being in fantastic relationships” struggling with low libido.

They come to me so frustrated that nothing has worked up to now. Man of them talk to me about seeing their doctors who suggest that “It’s normal to have no sex drive, you have kids”. Or “take a holiday and it will all be fine.” Well it’s rarely fine and these women think about their lack of desire as a failure and find themselves obsessing about how to fix it.

The truth is that with some women relationships or emotional/psychological reasons impact their sexual feelings. However I’m seeing strong, sane women who are newlyweds still very much sexually attracted to their husbands. I’m seeing women who describe their marriages as “a 9 out of 10”. They love their husbands and don’t know why they rarely get in the mood.

I’m convinced it’s physical or organically based. Few of the women in my office feel what I call “the squoogies”. These feeling are the butterflies, that sensation of horniness or wiggly feelings of a need for sexual fulfillment.

I’ve been seeing some trends lately. I’ve asked these women to provide me with a blood work analysis from their doctors. The challenge is that most physicians don’t test younger women for hormones, and libido is the micro management or tweaks to find that sweet spot of abundant health where the libido returns. Most doctors don’t have the training, time or resources to figure out the formula.

And the longer I’m a sex therapist the more I know that everyone is unique and there is no “one size fits all”. The commonalities I’m seeing include food allergies or gastrointestinal sensitivities. Other common characteristics include history of being on the oral contraceptive, and/or anti depressants, along with a confirmed elevated cortisol level. Cortisol and adrenal are the two of the major hormones that regulate stress. If animals are stressed, they rarely go into heat. Which is why if 85% of North American adults are chronically stressed, why are we so surprised when the libido is missing?

Women have to become advocates for their own health. It doesn’t work for marriages on a long term basis to be without sex. I did my thesis on the question of “what happens when couples stop having sex?” It turns out they start to feel like roommates or “friends that co-parent”. The long suffering partners also feel like exploding and often feel they have no choice but to look for outlets outside of the marriage.

So here is what I recommend for couples struggling in this cycle.

1. Get a copy of your blood work including your adrenal, cortisol, thyroid, insulin, DHEA, testosterone, progesterone, estrogen levels.
2. Start immediately on some desiccated adrenal supplements (2 capsules twice a day).
3. Add some high quality Omega 3 capsules or oil. I like Udo’s oil or Jamieson capsules. I recommend (brace yourself) upwards of 8 to 10,000 mg a day. That a lot of flax or fish oils.
4. I encourage a multi vitamin with at least 30mg of zinc, and 240 mg of chromium.
5. I add 3000 mg of evening Primrose oil daily to my patients.
6. Followed by 300 mg of magnesium/glycinate.
7. Decrease the amount of carbohydrates you eat and increase the protein.
8. Get yourself a good vibrator like a Hitachi magic wand that plugs in for increased power. I also suggest buying some tickling panties or a small low level vibrator you can insert into your underwear for a few hours before sex.
9. If you are not already GET OFF THE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS, and look for a barrier method of contraception.
10. Plan a weekly date night where you have lots of privacy, lead time and anticipation of a sensuous evening. Consider your date nights as important as a doctor’s appointment.
11. Take 3 oz (1/3 of a bar) of 85% or higher dark chocolate and 1 glass of RED wine an hour before your date night. You can also use your vibrating panties to get in the mood about an hour in advance of sex.
12. I always suggest using a silicone lube for any kind of sexual encounter. If it hurts you are less likely to want it again.
13. Ask your doctor to consider monitoring you on 0.6% progesterone cream from day 10 to the end of your cycle. I rub it in before bed and it helps me sleep better.
14. You also need about 25mg of DHEA daily. In Canada it is a prescription medication, but in the US you can buy it over the counter. The rules about hormones are this:
a. You always test.
b. You try and use bio identical hormones if they are available at your pharmacy
c. You never use more than you need
d. You test again.
e. Make sure you keep a baseline of your blood work. It will make working with your doctor and understanding your body so much easier.
14. 5HTP, CLA, Vitamin D (4,000 ,g from September to May), and 40 mg of Vitamin B12 I take in addition to the multi vitamin.
15. With couples who have been struggling for awhile I also add two activities.
a. The first, I suggest they use a signal to initiate sex, Think about tugging on your ear, using a code word or some external trigger that let’s your partner know that sex is on your mind. That way nobody gets pushed away.
b. The second activity I suggest is non-genital touch for a couple of minutes 3 times a week. Couples who aren’t having sex often don’t cuddle as much for fear of turning on the other partner. Gentle, non-sexual touch is critical for keeping marriages connected.

If none of this works – or it feels too overwhelming to do on your own then call me for an appointment. No matter where you are, I can do a phone, webcast. skype appointment that will take serious steps to re-claiming your libido.
This IS NOT the mountain you have to live your life on, and we can get back that sexy girl you used to be.
Find me at www.sexwithsue.com, (613) 355-1786 or suem@rogers.com

I’ve been fighting with a number of doctors lately about our mutual patients. I see so many women with low libido who are struggling to “get themselves in the mood”. Many physicians assume that if you don’t want to have sex you are too tired and mad at your husband. That can be true, but many women I see with low libido describe their marriages as a 9 out of 10 – if you don’t count the sex.

So I start talking to their doctors about hormones, blood work, supplements. Most physicians since 2002 have had NO Training in HRT, and none as it relates to libido. That’s a story for another blog (and follow my libido thread or read my package on the Libido Diet). But what it interesting is that these women are working at keeping their relationships hot. Their marriages are magic.

So I asked them “what was their secret?” The answers seem to go back to fundamental truths.

1. “Trust”, said J in my meeting yesterday. “I know that no matter what we do, I can trust him.” I don’t question his suggestions and I want to solve the problem as badly as he does.

2. Honesty is another key factor. Always be honest about your feelings. keeping it real doesn’t let little untruths come back and bite you in the ass.

3. Unconditional acceptance. Sometimes I see it with Spif and we are looking at the same problem totally differently. I think much of that is about gender. We may not agree, but I love him irregardless and am always willing to hear him out.

4. Ability to cave. Giving in is just another form of compromise that we all have to face at times. Finding a win/win can be hard, but no one wants to lose every argument.

5. Creative together time. I’ve been preaching date nights until I’m blue. Finding ones with a sensuous outcome or that allow each of us to be creative really bring us together (and the sex is awesome). Check out last night’s date night picture at www.loveandlipstick.com where we dressed up as pirates and shot water canons off the pirate boat. Fun, sexy, and creative.

I read a quote recently that said if marriage was at an all time low and most people were looking at marriage as a window of opportunity (a few years of love, sex, and security), rather than a lifelong commitment. Divorces are up, among boomers as well as other groups, and dating is today’s most popular pastime. In the dating process, everybody’s on his or her best behavior, but when it evolves into a relationship, when the work starts.

I keep looking for new tips for this area. Her are some new ones.

1. Appreciation- I did an exercise with my patient this week and had them write on a white board what the loved about the other person. I make them change it every week. It’s things like this that make relationships strong.

2. Know that there are simply bad days- sigh.
You can’t be perfect – you are human, and some days you simply need to turn in early and go to your cave. If you follow it with a loving morning most things will be forgiven. However if you have more bad days than good, the it’s time to re-evaluate.

3. Time and commonality
I keep reminding my patients that you get in a relationship to spend time together. If you’re too busy and can’t find things to do together that’s a problem. The other challenge is that you need to look for the ways in which you are twins. Find the similarities and encourage them. That’s what makes relationships strong.

4. Space
The opposite of not having enough time for your partner are the challenges of couples who are joined at the hip. Both Men and women need some time and space just to be themselves. You need to develop interests outside of the relationship. Booking a time to catch up on your day, have a glass of wine together at the end of a day, or wake up and share breakfast together and have something new to share. Space and individuality is critical.

Remember, a loving relationship takes big time work and effort. But when it works, the rewards are incredible.

We belong to a large camping community we we have our cottage near Calabogie Ontario in the Lanark Highlands. It’s a gorgeous spot with 150 foot pristine lake, granite outcropping and a spectacular hardwood forest. As my friend Tony says “the only thing that keeps it from absolute paradise and being swarmed by people are the bugs”. And the bugs are significant. May the black flies are ferocious until the dragon flies hatch and eat them up. But then the mosquitoes kick in.

I am the person you want to sit beside at the campfire. Watching the fireworks this weekend everyone crowded around me because I am the one the mosquitoes try and bite first. I say it’s because I’m juicy. However for the first time I’ve found a trick that seems to work.

It’s a combination of brewer’s yeast and Vitamin B1 (thiamin). I take these extra supplements during the summer months (when I am decreasing the vitamin D). Researchers are conflicted as to why it works. Some scientists think it’s because it produces a skin odor that’s not noticeable to humans but bugs don’t like. The dosage is 25-50 mg tree times a day. I tend to be lazy and swallow them twice a day. It takes rouhgly 2 weeks for the vitamin build up in you system to keeps the bugs from swarming.

You can get vitamin B1 in foods like asparagus, oranges, kale, and organ meats. I find the supplements easy to take and they are making a huge difference.