I’ve just finished the book by Ree Drummond “Black Heels to Tractor Wheels” about being an urban girl in love with The Marlboro Man, real-life, Oklahoma cowboy. There was this great segment where she talks about locking herself into the bathroom at a wedding, stripping off her dress and dancing around trying to dry off the sweat that was pouring off her. I can so relate. I know you can too. Whether it was the pantihose sliding to my crotch, trying to dab off a stain on my suit, fix a fashion faux-pas or generally not being cool it happens to all of us.
Being legendarily uncool was the topic of conversation over lunch with two of my radio sponsors. And great food of course. The bunch of us are foodies and engage in a conversation (as only women over 30 can) about men, what cookbooks we’ve read, hormones (making us crazy), and how we are turning into our mothers.
Sandra had a great story about having overactive sweat glands and trying to get a doctor to look at her. In Ontario, with such a shortage of family doc’s you have to beg and grovel to be taken on as a patient. Sandra had to convince a doctor to take on her sweaty boob self.
In the book by Ree Drummond she packs baby powder and tissues and works at low stress situations. Apparently it gets worse as we get more hormonal.
Sigh. Something to look forward to.

As a sex therapist I’ve seen, heard, and documented a few interesting things.  Other people’s sex lives really are fascinating conversation. But every now and then I come up with something that leaves me gobstopped. Floored, and taken completely by surprise.

A new patient, attractive man in his early 40′s came to see me for erectile dysfunction. This was a while ago, and I’ve had a few of these, so any resemblance to an actual patient has been obscured to protect the inocent.

Anyway, I went through the obvious questions, smoking, drinking, medication, diabetes, high blood pressure, chloresterol etc. No to all of the above. Fit, but without a partner, and had been having difficulties getting it up for awhile.  Psychologically, and emotionally he seemed normal, and the only thing that seemed out of whack was that he hadn’t had a physical for years.  In fact he hadn’t ben to a doctor in decades. I was at a bit of a loss until he shifted slightly in his seat. It was then, that it looked like he had a pillow between his legs of his very baggy pants.  Huston, we have a problem.

After a OH MY GOD flash of his boxer clad testicles, I understood that we had a very serious untreated hernia to deal with. His scrotum was so filled with fluid that hung down his leg approaching his knees.  It was a wonder this guy could walk. And he had been dealing with this for over a year!!!!!!  A hernia is when your intestines start poking through the abdominal muscle and get pinched off and can’t get back.  It usually requires surgery.

Anyway, there was a very obvious reason why he couldn’t acheive an erection. It turns out that over 10% of men have low abdominal hernia’s that may be undiagnosed. Left untreated, it can cause serious problems (see above) and leave Mr. Happy twisting in the wind.

So the moral of the story kids, is that if something hurts "down there" – even if you are a super macho guy, go see your doctor.  Remember the sex therapists mantra – ‘use it or lose it" and in this case, if your testicles look like they are about to give birth, there may be something wrong.

So there is a new shot that will prevent you from getting the virus associated with genital warts that causes women cervical cancer.  Considering genital warts are rampant, and close to 75% of Canadians will be exposed to the virus in their lifetime, this comes at a great time to get stabbed if you are a sexually active woman.

I asked an infectious disease doctor about it recently.  A few of my recently single, 30-something friends wondered if they should pay (the few hundreds of dollars) to get the shot. It seems, that it is only meant for girls/women ages 9 to 26. Old chicks like me (if I were to choose to run around on the wonder husband) don’t need to get it because our cellular mucosa is too seasoned to adhear to the type of virus that causes the worrisome cervical cancer. It is safe, can’t hurt, and may be a thought if you are an aging party girl out doing the football team, but not as big of a worry for us older broads.  I guess with mamograms and menopause looming, we have enough to worry about.

  I don’t know how hot it is where you are, but here in Ontario we are experiencing a sticky 100% humidity, humidex of 41 degrees, stick to the plastic seats kid of heat wave.  It’s reeking hell on my sex life.

How can you feel the urge to boff, when you can’t stand to have another human being near you?  Maybe that’s when it’s a good argument to use a plenary of sex toys, but the following poem (I know you’re thinking – Sue, a poem????, but stay with me and maybe later I’ll regale you with my favourite limericks that rhyme with mulva…. but I digress) offers up some advice for summertime sex.

"when it’s hot and sun is in the sky that’s the time to lie about and sigh,

it’s when the frost is on the pumpkin, that’s the time for dinky-dunkin…"  We old married women take it where we can get it (between kids) but as i explore some findsome new sexual adventures in this heat, and will keep you posted if anything more profound hits.

Just my words to live by for a hot summer night.

Sue

I started masturbating before I was 11. I was given a phillips beauty set for Christmas from my proper Scottish Grandmother, (it could adapt to be an electric razor, a manicure set or body cream massager…) and by the end of that Christmas day I had figured where you could put the massaging head to have me a whole new set of amazing, wonderful sensations.  Best damn Christmas present I ever got, and sent me on my merry way. I have since replaced it with a ebay found version (now a vintage model), because it’s still my favourite despite an amazing toybox.

It turns out that how you learn to reach orgasm and become sexual (usually between the ages of 8 and 14), becomes your sexual road map ( as unique as a fingerprint).  So it turns out how you first play with yourself, think about sex, and are first sexual is your basic sexuality until they take you away feet first.  I don’t know whether that’s an argument for more sex in school, or less given there are a lot of very bad, uncomfortable gym teachers forced into teaching sexual health. (those who can’t teach, those who can’t teach, teach gym… or in many cases sex 101).  Soemthing to think about if your 12 year nephew is coming for a visit. Hide those Playboys…

The problem of sex and gravity.

No, I don’t mean the difficulty in hanging upseide down from the chandeliere during sex.  I mean the running-down-the-inside-of-your thigh-mess after sex.

Most women understand thatwhat I’m talking about. The phenomenon, when after sex, you have to run to the bathroom to get a towl to hold between your legs so you won’t gush…

The loving spoonful he’s just deposited, starts to liquifies once it has a few minutes in the warmth of the vagina, and then starts it’s downward ooze. Some women claim that if you get to the bathroom fast enough, you can deposit it as the quarter size dollup into the toilet.  This is why you need to have a bath, washcloth or better yet, a bidet to clean up after sex.  Otherwise you start smelling like a used condom that has been forgotten in the wastepaper basket…ick.

I’ve had a question recently, from a bunch of patients who noticed that their semen wasn’t as robust as usual.  Semen can change with diet, age, prostate problems, medication etc.  Given the mess it cause, a little less of a good thing might just be a great thing.

My e-mail last night was about the dreaded yeast infection! gasp!  The Horror!!!  the sticky, squooshy parts….  You know, Dear Sue, I’ve got that itchy, cottage cheese like discharge (hope you’re not eating…),

The Quick Fix

Barring those stupid television commercials would be a help, and giving women information on preventing and managing those infections would be a public service.  Women get it in the deflated balloon known as the vagina, and men get it in their sinuses, especially if they have oral sex.  Think about it, it’s a warm, dark place for the yeast to inhabit.  If you’re a guy who is going down on a woman (and if you’re not, you need to remedy that immediately, and with enthusiasm) you may be transferring yeast back and forth.

Think about it. It’s men’s empty (well sort of) cavity, and if guys have had too much antibiotics, their internal chemistry gets out of whack. It’s fixable, but like women’s you need the facts and a quick trip to the grocery or health food store.                                                                     

The yeast and the bacteria in your body keep a happy balance.  When you use too much antibiotics, it wipes out all of the good balacing bacteria, and the yeast take over the planet. Put back the healthy bacteria and give things a good flush and voila! itchy is gone, you don’t need to spend money on going to the pharmacy, just to get another infection a week later.

Healthy bacteria is the stuff in yogurt.  Eating yogurt is good, but you would have to eat a vat of the damn stuff to give you the immediate results.  Start taking some handfulls of the lacto or acidobacillus capsules (anything in the bacillus family) in the fridge of your health food store, and for prevention, get used to taking some everyday like a vitamin C capsule.  Having daily orgasms through masturbation is the best way to flush the vagina (sneezing is the best way to clean the vagina cavity), and you should be right as rain within the next four days…

As I try to anti-spyware my computer, the intrusive, uninvited, assaultive stuff that sneaks on your system and pops up with penis enlargement spam, I am thinking that in many ways spywear is like a date with a creepy guy.  Pushy, smells badly, and keeps trying to get in your pants.

Some women view porn the same way.  In discussions with some women friends yesterday, it was interesting to see their acceptance or complete rejection of "adult material" (the PC term) fell completely along age lines.  Under the age of 30, the women thought it was almost hip, sexy, and something they used in the bedroom to spice things up. Over 30 it was like the Erica Jong quote " that after watching porn for five minutes you wanted to have sex, after watching it for 30 minutes, you never wanted to have sex again."

It’s amazing to me how quickly sex is changing.  It never ceases to fascinate me, and I still think being a sex therapist is the coolest job in the world.  I don’t know where I was going with this, but as I muse on porn, the evil of computer viruses – (and it was probably my little brother downloading porn onto my computer when he stayed with me between apartments, that brought into the viruses in the first place), and how many keyboards must glow blue like those CSI episodes with "biological fluid".  ooo

Still feeling the love,

Sue

March 18, 2006

I had a conversation last night with a friend, and like most female conversations it didn’t take too long before it turned to kids, sex, and men. (the other popular topics include birthing stories, chocolate, spirituality and shoes…).  Anyway, she was telling me how her now teenage stepson is spending all of his time in the bathroom and using up all of the hot water.  I told her that it was normal and teenage boys masturbate at least once a day, usually in the shower.  She was floored that she hadn’t realized that was what he was doing, and no wonder her hot water bills were so high.

Isn’t that what all guys do in the shower?  I talk to people about sex all day long, every day and men masturbate regularly, and yes, especially in the shower.  The good news is that it’s good for you.  When I started as a sex therapist I used to espouse that sex felt good, was critical for your relationship, but now I tell people, it’s imperative for your health.  It’s at least as good for you as exercise (those 350-500 calorie boff’s), and forget an apple a day, it’s an orgasm a day.  For guys it keeps the pipes clean, scoures out the prostate and keeps your sperm fresh and your blood pressure healthy.  For women who masturbate, it keeps the vagina clean and just like a sneeze cleans out the sinus cavity, an orgasm cleans the snatch out of all those viruses, bacteria, and old sperm remnants. Women who give into the urge to play with themselves are 80% less likely to get a vaginal infection.  80%!!!!! Why aren’t there bus ads telling women this?  It’s like the girls who sit in the hot tub, (3rd spigot on the left shoots just the right way….), men in the shower are just emptying out the junk.  Even if it does increase the hydro bill.

Sue