How to date your spouse. Romance killers on your date nights

I’ve been offering up suggestions for date nights in order to keep your relationships hot. This week’s adventures including a pirate boat cruise, and tata (boob) wash-on tattoos that said “lucky you”.

However on our date nights I’ve been compiling the list of things NOT to do to kill the mood.

The rules for date nights:

1. Pick at least 2 nights (preferably the same nights, ie the second Thursday of the month…). You each take responsibility for planning the night. The other spouse just smiles and co-operates.

2. Don’t discuss kids, work, money or extended family. read the paper for something new to talk about, come up with an erotic story, talk about a time when you felt connected, what you love about your partner etc. but for God’s sakes stay away from the mood killers. Relationships take work.

3. Don’t do something on your date that keeps your from re-kindling. Things like a crowded movie (except a drive in), or going out with another couple, work colleagues etc.

4. Don’t make a headache or feeling lousy as an excuse not to go out with your partner. If you are really sick, schedule a make up day IMMEDIATELY.

5. Make sure there is a sensuous component to your date. Humour works well too.

Your relationship takes work. With a 50% divorce rate where “drifting apart” is listed as the #1 reason why the marriages break up, date nights are essential. The longer I’m a therapist the more I realize that. Go to www.loveandlipstick.com for my list of great date night suggestions.

Another day another relationship study.

When I was in University all I wanted to do was study sex and the opposite sex. Now 20years later, I still want to study sex and the opposite sex. The more things change…

I did a study in University where we were sent into bars to determine what people found attractive. Men liked good looks (big surprise there), but preferred women who “attractively fit in”. No Lady Gaga outfits, despite the sex appeal. Think sexy jeans and a nice top. Beautiful, friendly but not trying to hard.

Women it seemed, liked men that paid attention to them, acted cool and confident, and mirrored them to make them feel safe. Meaning, when you took a drink, the guy in question took a drink and you felt more comfortable.

Now a new study has gone one step further and asked about specifics.

No great insight but it seems that men like smiling women.

“Women who smile are absolutely very attractive”. That was by far the most attractive expression. So ladies smile and the men think you are much hotter.

For men?
Guys, want to look sexy and get the girl? Don’t smile too much. “Look brooding or show a bit of shame instead. Women find happy men less sexually attractive than those with expressions that show pride or hint that they have done wrong and know it, according to Canadian researchers.”

So the slightly mischievous bad boy in the know is what works for women. I told you, not ground breaking but just a reminder the next time you are heading out to get in the game.

I’m reading about the new diet fad. Eating pureed foods constantly throughout the day in baby food size portions. Apparently Jennifer Anniston is know to use it to keep her as slim as always. The Cheryl Cole chick from X factor wanted to improve her legs and started it.
Think about mushing up squash, parsnips and other fruits and veggies and staying the course. I’m sure they would even be pooping green.

This diet is the discovery of Madonna’s personal trainer, Tracy Anderson, who advocates large amounts of cardio as well as the diet. Check her out, in my opinion she looks about 17 (I’ve yet to find her age). If the diet keeps you that young looking, maybe it’s something to consider. But as I’ve said before, I want real women with real bodies giving me diet advice.

I love the quote from the founder of NutriLife sytems, a well known food planner.

“What’s going to be next — the cat food diet?’ is her opening comment. ‘The reason it’s called baby food is because it’s for babies! They have small stomachs, no teeth and less sophisticated digestive systems than adults, which is why purees are appropriate.

‘I’m an advocate of eating a little and often, but 14 times a day? Ludicrous. By all means, let’s adopt diets that are nutrient-rich and take some of the strain off our digestive systems, as this does, but we really don’t have to pretend to be six months old in order to do that.’

My diabetic aunt is on a raw food- greens diet for the last 40 days. She says “she has a blender that wold puree bricks.” She’s trying to clean herself out, lose some weight, and lower her blood sugar. So far it’s not been working very well but I’ll keep you posted. Picture to follow this week.

I looked like this only with long crazy blonde hair and fetching a scowl with goop in my hair

I used to have a very bad case of sleep apnea. Needed naps in the afternoon, woke up gasping, and had earthquake-like snoring that moved my partner to another room for years. I once casued an international incident falling asleep on an air plane. I was that loud.

Sleep apnea is casued when the back of your throat closes over your widpipe and cuts off the oxygen while sleeping. The air going through causes your palate to vibrate loudly. My whole famly had problems with it. I describe the group of us ( my amazing family) as “barrels with legs” who had thick necks and short torsos (now doesn’t that sound attractive…) and small, closed off tracheas . Sleep apnea is a very serious issue, and is the cause of more sleep related deaths, heart attacks, and fatigue issues than most people realize. You also walk around like the a cast member from Dawn of the Dead becasue your body keeps jerking you out of sleep in order to breathe. It can impact marriages (certainly sex lives), and leave sufferers chronically exhausted. It also goes (terrifyingly) on your driving record.

To diagnose apnea you go for a sleep test. You end up looking alot like the guy in the picture. They wire you up with electrodes to determine if you have small breathing pauses during the night. I just finished my third of these tests. I’m trying to download the picture of me covered in wires so you can see how attractive I am as the bride of Frankenstein. You don’t get much sleep. You are in a hospital setting and they have a camera watching you dose and listening to your charming sleep sounds. They wake you up if your mask slips of if one of your wires disconect.

On my first sleep test I was diagnosed with severe apnea. My second test involved what I call “sleeping with the elephant”. This is where they put you on a CPAP machine with as long air tube uses air pressure to force the back of your throat open. I ended up ripping it off in the middle of the night and throwing it across the room. Other people love them and couldn’t imagine how they ever slept without it. They wake up rested and oxygenated for the first time in years. I hated the machine and tried it for over a month with no success. I kept taking it off while I slept. So I opted for the UPPP surgery. This involved tearing out my tonsils, my uvula (the dangly thing at the back of your throat), and a good chunk of the soft palate. This surgery is not for the faint of heart. 6 week recovery, and is considered the most painful surgery there is – far more painful than heart surgery. It was Hell but there was an end in sight. And my apnea was severe enough to need treatment.

However it cured my snoring. My sleep test last night was to see if I have fully recovered and past the test. I’ll have my results next week. In the mentime, if your soring has gotten worse, you have over a 16 inch neck (female) or 17 inch neck (male) and you feel tired – you too may have sleep apnea. It’s much more common than you think and I know of two women in their 30′s PERSONALLY, who have died from it. Besides you can end up with the fetching pictures after you get wired up. Talk to your doctor about a sleep referral.

Economic priniciples and more sex
I’m reading the book Spousonomics by Szuchman and Anderson. It’s sub titled “Using Economics to manster Love, Marriage and Dirty Dishes”.

It’s a great read. It uses ecomonic principles such as supply and demand, loss aversion, incentives, revealed preferences, and cost benefit analysis. I know what you are thinking – big yawn this sounds dull. But the book used specific examples of how people behave and fight and how universal business principles can apply to solve the problem. I immediately used it in my counseling practce yesterday. I loved the idea that sex can be all about supply and demand. If sex is “expensive” the demand goes down. If you think it should be incredibly romantic, and have lots of effort you are less inclined to jump in. If it’s easy (or cheap) you can have it frequently, blow jobs, casual romps etc.

It has become so awkward for many people. It was interesting that I had a couple yesterday who after being together for 8 years didn’t know what turned each other on. If I had you list the top 3 things that your partner liked sexually could you answer the question?

I just finished an interview with author Gretchen Rubin (the Happiness Project). It turns out she wrote a book I read a number of years ago (which may be still on some unorganized book shelf in my office- help!) called Power Money Fame Sex. Who can resist such a title?
Like my favorite Robert Greene book-Seduction, Gretchen talks about tings you can do to make you more powerful and attractive to the opposite sex. I thought at the time the book was interesting but really like the summaries Rubin shares on her website.

Given what I know of evolutionary biology, it is a great list. I try and translate some of this into fantastic dating ads. Fun, casual, suggestive, kind with a sexy photo. For men, I think your projected image to get women has to be humble, funny, self deprecating, safe, confident with great personal hygiene.

Here is what Gretchen thinks women need to do in order to attract a Mr. Right now of quality.

1. Men are attracted by signs of fecundity, so aim to look youthful and bursting with health.

2. Tastes differ, but most men have a preference for women who are busty, tall, with long, usually blonde, hair.

3. Signal your availability by wearing tight clothes that reveal a lot of skin. Move your body to afford him a good view of your figure.

4. A man is eagerly looking for a sign that you’re interested. Make suggestive gestures: suck seductively on a straw, lick your lips, stroke your own arms or legs.

5. Make it easy for a man to start up a conversation. Wear an unusual piece of jewelry; drive a crazy car; carry a controversial book.

6. Look intently into his eyes, and let him catch you staring at him.

7. Energy is attractive, so speak with animation and put a bounce in your step.

8. Suggestive conversation drives men wild. If you’re on an airplane, drop hints about your secret desire to join the Mile High Club. If you’re at a party, confess with a glass of champagne in your hand that champagne always makes you misbehave.

9. Radiate sprezzatura – act nonchalant and light-hearted.

10. Men and women alike appreciate the quality of kindness.

I wrote earlier about the chemical make up of tears, and how crying can act like a big pail of cold water on libido’s. But how do you use chemistry to attract a partner? Especially for women for whom smell is a huge attractor, promoting the human phermone (or sexual attraction smell) can be huge.
I found the recipe for a make-your-own-aphrodisiac-perfume. I think you should add a little vaginal secretions to the mix. WHAT you say?
I’m not kidding. I’ve interviewed the most famous Madams and brothel owners for my radio show and many of the working girls use their own vaginal secretions as perfume. Clean, sexual fragrances coupled with things that have been known to increase sex drive (baking bread smells, licorice, pumpkin pie, sandlewood) all work to make you nore attractive.
I’ve got a bottle I’m working on…and I’ll keep you posted.

3 drops sandalwood essential oil
2 drops vanilla essential oil
3 drops cedar wood essential oil
15 drops bergamot essential oil
1/2 pt (300ml) 70 percent alcohol or vodka

Direction: Make sure to secure a container bottle for your perfume mixture. Take the vodka, raise it up and shout “cheers!” then take a big gulp. (just Kidding)
(Seriously) Pour the measured vodka or alcohol first to your bottle container followed by the oil ingredients. Shake well and you’re done with your love potion.

So Valentine’s Day is almost upon us. And you want to guarantee a successful encounter in the bedroom. How do you set the stage for romance?
Here are my thoughts on the subject:
As a woman, you are turned on by what you hear and what you imagine. Hw about a disk of sexy music (I provide the 30 best boffing songs at the forum at www.lovetalkforum.com) that you both will enjoy He’ll appreciate the effort, you’ll be turned on too and it will be something he remembers.
I have a couple of girlfriends who always take pictures of each other in something sexy to give to their husbands every Valentine’s Day. This s year 5 and the shotsare getting riskier. I know their guys count it as the favourite present of the year. Hockey tickets included.
Men are attractedto “newness”. Any different scent, different hair extention, pretend bad accent and you have their undivided attention.
My new favourite aphrdisiac are edible hibiscus in syrup that you add to champagne and drink during the foreplay. I have it on great authority that it works very well.
Finally, know that althoug everyone has a different idea about what is romantic. Most people will have time for each other, play and an urge to get naked if they get the chance. That’s whyyou get so much sex on holiday. You give adults privacy, time and relaxation and base biology takes over. So maybe the best gift this year are movie passes for the kids and two hours uninterupted at home. Smile.

I was having lunch yesterday with two single women in their late 30′s. We were talking about some of the bad first dates we’ve had. Smelly guys, ones that brush your breasts “by accident”, ones that only talk about themselves (or thier ex’s). I had one guy who drank like a fish and made Star Trek references (including touching an imaginary communicator on his shirt). Agh! I think my appendix just burst or how do I crawl through a window in the bathroom.

However my friend had a story that topped mine. She had a good conversation online and he put down a picture of him on the side of a mountain. However when he arrived at the door he failed to mention he was a midget. It just was so awkward. That woman decided to pay for sperm, become artificially inseminated and be a single mother. I’m meeting lots of women who are giving up on meeting nice guys.

I know a bunch of great single guys. And not one of them are dating online. Hmmmm. As much as I have recommended online dating I’m beginning to question how much more challenging the landscape was than five years ago.

I’ve come up with some thoughts.
1. Join a group your passionate about. Be around passionate people. Politics, sae the whales, PETA etc.
2. Go out to the single gourmet, meet market and speed dating events in your neighbourhood.
3. Practice the art of eye contact and smiling. You’ll be astounded at how it encourags men to speak to you.
4. Get a business card with your picture, anonymous email address and one line about you. Less that $20 a hundred at vistaprint.com
5. This is the time to be elegantly sexy. Push up bra, highlights in the hair, great new lipstick (men look at lips first). It’s time for a makeover. Same old and non-flirty clothes need to be put on the back shelves during the dating adventures.