You may not know this but it is completely legal to visit a hooker in Canada. This past summer the Ontario Court of Appeals threw out the prostitution law as unconstitutional. The Government is scrambling to come up with a new one but in the meantime, police chiefs across the country have said they won’t arrest for solicitation.

What does that mean for couples? It means that the number of rub-in-tugs (happy ending massage parlours) have quadrupled in the last number of years. I can count 10 wihtin a 5 minute drive of my office. The used to be stigma, fear of arrest, and safety issues visiting these places. Not anymore. There is a new “high end private gentlemen’s club that has bedrooms on site” that has just opened up in my neighbourhood. More housewives are entertaining businessmen in the afternoon. As a therapist more and more of the men who came to see me for counselling related to no sex at hme, are no simply payinga small amount to get their symptoms relieved. Now I’m seeing the wives of these men telling me their partners are having affairs.
Sex hasn’t changed. The urge for newness for men hasn’t gone away. What has changed is the price and accessibility of inconsequential sex, and the ease in finding a willing woman to have an affair with off the internet. Adult friend finder and Ashley Madison is full of men looking to hook up with atahed partners. I’m seeing the truth in my office. It’s a bit of a wild world out there. And I think it will get more colourful as time goes on.

I had an interesting case this week. 40 year old couple in new relationship. Spent the first six months having sex twice a day. She was multiply orgasmic with a high libido. Overnight her ability to orgasm disappears. What to do?

We tried a couple of things including the new orgasm gel (I like the pink version). Checked her hormone levels (progesterone is a cause). And realized it was new asthma medication that was causing the problem. One client in a similar situation got a sucessful, small clitoral hood peircing that immediately changed her abilities to climax at will. Often a blood test is the way to start. Then I add liquid Omega’s , zinc, magnesium, probiotics, vitamin B 12 and D plus a little evening primrose oil and see if there isn’t a mineral problem.

The other unusual case this week was a man who hadn’t ejaculated with hs prtner for the last 6 years. No prostate issues but he took forever to finally ejaculate. The orgasm cream helped him as well. I have some new stuff on that at www.sexwithsue.com

It’s freezing cold here. I mean minus 35 with the wind chill, huddle under the covers, get frostbite in seconds kind of cold.  For you non-Canadian readers, and hey I might have a few people that have actually read this blog from the warmer climates, its the kind of day perfect for sharing body heat and a foaming, mint hot chocolate.

It is this marriage of sex and chocolate that has me reading  (from cover to cover in one sitting) this FANTASTIC book by Joan Sewell called, I’d rather eat chocolate.

She says in her opening " If I had a choice between reading a good book and having sex, the book wins. I notice I put in the adjective "good" – and that leaves me wondering if I’m not trying to put a better face on things. But my boyfriend-the man I would eventually marry- would take even bad sex over a good book."

It’s the best book I’ve ever read ( and I think I’ve read them all published in the last five years) on female sexual dysfunction or the phenomenon known as low libido. Sewell tries everything, therapy, chocolate frosting, leather and fishnets, tantric, and sensate focused experiences to get her in the mood, and writes about all of them with wit and candor. She finally comes up with a sex contract with her husband where she can control the time, type and duration of sex, and it seems to work for them.

Funny, my type of therapy would be to endorse hormonal creams, a blood test and look at more physical options, but her results seem to work for her relationship. I’m really glad I read it.  One of the things I found interesting was her husband’s desire for visual stimulation.  If he can’t have sex, it’s enough for him to see her sexily dressed around the house, when only he could see her.  I asked my partner if that was a turn on for him (all decked out in my sweat pants and no bra), and said that as long as I was clean, he could get turned on by me in a burlap sack.  A good illustration of male sexual desires as summed up on page 114 of Sewell"s book:

"Might not hormonal differences between men and women answer a heap of questions about why men are the way they are?  Like why men will sleep with just about anyone who offers; like why mn approach sex like a Hometown Buffet- they want endless variety and big heaping helpings; like why men can use any object asa a fetish onject; like why a man’s dream come true is sleeping with all of the Dallas cowboys cheerleaders at once, while a women’s dream bacchanal is to shop, eat, and not gain weight."

Had an interesting sex problem to deal with today. A full blown case of sexual anorexia.  For my purposes here, sexual anorexia is one form of sexual addiction, where one partner would rather masturbate and view porn on the internet than have sex with a willing partner.

I met this lovely couple for the first time -who loved each other and are in a committed relationship.  And who, both like sex and masturbate a few times a week, but don’t have sex with each other.  They haven’t had sex for many years, and he doesn’t have any urge beyond the masturbation a few times a week. So they don’t and now she’s ready to explode. It’s a testament to their relationship that she’s been able to go this long.

In the few cases of sexual anorexia I’ve ever seen, anti-depressants have been a contributing factor, primarily paxil or Elixor. They call porn the crack cocaine of the 21st Century, and I wonder how many other people are living with this sexual addiction? Just musing out loud.  I’ll keep you posted.

It must be a case of raging-almost 40 year old hormones that I find myself checking out men at Starbucks. I watch the blind and first dates being played out over grande moch latte’s.  I also watch the body language of what I think our married couples doing the "third rate romance thing". A secret lover, or a Mistress for Christmas – sound interesting? The problem is that for so many women it’s way, way past the "zipless Fuck" that Erica Jong so aptly summed up.  It’s the connection, the squoogies, the intimacy, the je ne sais quoi, the romance that makes us damp…

So it’s finding the partner that fulfills a bunch of secret desires can be illusive.  Women whether they’ll admit it themselves want that feeling of pooling lust, and romance in low places intheir bodies. It’s a bit about both the ying and the yang. Larry Brooks says: "initially  it’s all about compatible assests. Chemistry. Before long the game changes, it becomes about compatible liabilities. A killer one-eighty.  To make it really work, to make the turn, you have to have compatible flaws, compatible vulnerabilities, compaticle tolerances."   So the relationship is about havign insecurities together.  I ponder this over my tea as I watch the age old mating dance played out in front of me.  Maybe it’s only about compatible frappachinos.

So another story this week from a new premature ejaculator.  I was asking if he was circumcised, and he mentioned that he was, along with baby smooth all over. I asked in passing is he waxed or lasered (all the rage for cleaning up the shaft), and he said, "no, I duct tape myself."  oh?!, tell me more….

Apparently, he felt he couldn’t get someone else to clean up all that hair, so decided to take it on himself.  He uses duct tape (one of it’s million uses, not outlined on the Red Green show), to pull the hair out of the shaft a la waxing.  He said you get used to the pain, and now he only has to do it once a month, but is incredibly smooth.  He offered to show it to me, and I must admit to being tempted.  in the name of scientific, sexuality education of course. So, if you try this at home folks, please let me know.

I know I’ve been missing in action.  Busy getting ready for the holidays, organizing choas, blah,blah blah, but most significantly has been an interesting crop of new patients.

I’m gettting more and more patients in their senior years. They still have the urge, when asked, most of them felt that they would like sex at least daily if they could find a willing partner. In their 70′s and 80′s. yeah It turns out that we all want to have sex until they take us away in a box.

I had an interesting experience this week, when one of my 80 year old erectile dysfunction patients (hey, they’re not all impotent, it’s just way more prevelant than say, premature ejaculation) decided to flash me in my office.  Uncircumcised, and without the "shaving private Ryan" experience, I realized that despite his aging issues, he still thought of himself as virile and attractive. Okay, it looked a bit like a small sausage, but he was obviously still proud of his equipment.  Needed to show it off.  I consider it an occupational hazard.

When I’m 80, I want to be interested in flashing someone half my age and making it count. As long as you use it as often as possible, watch the cholesteral, and do those keegal exercise (clench your bum and internal muscles while you are sitting there), you should still have both the desire and equipment to keep up that boffing into old age. Here’s to aging while still getting it on.

I’m talking to my gaggle of girlfriends, or out with the cool group of spinmamas the new "red hat society" for women in their 30′s and 40′s, and of course, the conversation turns to sex. Women approaching 40 seem to go one of two ways.  Either their sex drive increases (guess which way mine is going…), or decreases and sex becomes a chore on the list of things to do.

I’ve spoken to a number of men in the last week, whose wives hate sex. They lie back, look at the ceiling (or over their shoulder at the TV), zone out, or avoid it at all costs. These men are feeling rejected, frustrated, and are looking for solutions.  The option of continuing the same way has become intolerable.  These men love their wives, but have basic needs that aren’t getting met.

So if they don’t want to break up families, what are they to do? Mistress?  There is the difficulty in finding one. Escorts?  Ewww, rushed, legal issues, one of many, cleanliness and disease, ethics, ect.  Bars on business trips? Same problem -complications, disease, time in finding an outlet. So, I’m trying to ponder a solution. Mistress for rent?  Sex while you wait?  Toys?

I don’t know, all I hear is that thie is cruel and unusual punishment for kind and loving guys. There’s got to be a solution and I’m going to look for it. Think of the stories that will come out of that service…

My partner hates when I get strange packages in the mail. He usually assumes (correctly) that it’s some wierd, new, sexual device that I’m going to chase him around the house to try out with me. I got a smaple of the new Liberator sex cushions that are like little wedges to ergonomically adjust your posture and make sex easier. Man, sex can look funny sometimes. I could describe the pictrue of me trying to adjust this under my hips (all in the name of science), but it loses something in the description.  Suffice it to say, that I have difficulties being acrobatic. No swinging from the chandeliere for this pushing middle age sex therapist. If I ge the digital camera fixed (or my brother buys me a new one for Christmas), I’ll post a picture.  In the meantime imagine curvy, plus sized blonde upside down. Hey, if you’ve got it, flaunt it, if not for God’s sake cover it up….

I know it’s frustrating. Believe me, I understand it.  I speak to men all day long, who just can’t hang on. It’s also teeth nashing time to be the partner of someone who is a little quick.  If women need 10-14 minutes of intercourse (with indirect contact on their clitoris), and the average guy ejaculates in 4 to 7 minutes, Hell, you do the math.  No wonder 95% of all women have faked it at some point in their lives. ooh, yess..hmm maybe we should paint the ceiling beige…oh yess oh, oh.

So what’s a man (and his concerned partner) to do? There was hope for a new SSRI anti depressant called dapoxetine. It got shot down in the US, is still under advisement in Canada, and will get the nod from the government in the UK. Side effects including dry mouth, vomiting, and get this, erectile dysfunction.  Like many medications, the cure can be worse than what ails you, but for a short term it may help slightly.  And slightly being the operative word. In the trials, men went from lasting one minute to a whopping three minutes (not even average), and it causes erectile dysfunction. Taking anti depressants are one of the top five reasons for erection loss, so taking them for another sexula problem doesn’t make sense.

So, here is Sue’s try-this-at-home,  premature ejaculation therapy for couples.  Instead of watching TV every night this week, or even while you are watching TV, grab some oil, or hand cream and stoke the penis in question.  Rub it when you have a minimum of a half hour to play with. Stroke it until you (or your guy) says "I’m close", then feel at the base of the penis where the tube that runs from the testicles (at the front where the penis and testicles meet) and squeeze – hard. With some practice, you should be able to feel the hard pressure of the semen behind your hand. By pressing down, you send it back into the testicles, and prolong the experience.  You should get close and pull back, six or seven times at least until he begs you to let him go. You can choose to continue the evil treatment or take pity on him.  Get to the point where you can do this for an hour at a time, and you can start trying it during intercourse. I guarantee that you’ll hit at least four minutes after a month, and don’t have to worry about taking pills. 

Besides, it makes watching TV more fun than ever, kick starts your sex life further, and appeals to the sadist in every woman.  Sounds like a win/win to me.