Dear Sue,

I’m really trying to balance work, home, kids and aging parents. Some days I do this better than others. What seems to be slipping is the intimacy with my husband. By the time I’m finished homework and lunches after dinner all I want is a hot bath and sleep. My long suffering spouse is getting grumpy. Every time I promise myself to try harder, but life seems to get in the way and I can’t muster the energy to initiate.
Suggestions?

Exhausted.

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Dear Exhausted,

You are not alone. Oprah says that low libido affects 31% of North American women. And if your body isn’t driving it, sex becomes a chore somewhere between laundry and walking the dog. Most men stop feeling loved, or connected if there is little or no sex. Men feel close when they are touched. They talk to me about feeling pushed away, unattractive, and confused about when sex is going to happen when I speak to them as a sex therapist. And feel like their relationship has evolved into one of roommate or ”friends that co-parent” scenario. That’s when I see relationships starting to slip.

So a few things have to give to find a balance. I use a three prong approach during therapy to kick start your love life.

The first is to do things to re-discover that “horny girl you used to be”. My recipe for increasing your base libido starts with a balanced hormone level. Speak to your doctor about your blood work and make sure your blood work is normal.
Then I suggest adding daily:

5,000 mg of Omega 3,
40 keegal exercises (4 sets of 10 a couple of times a day, I do them when I’m driving),
300 mg of magnesium,
1 multivitamin to make sure you are getting your trace minerals
2 oz of dark (85%) chocolate
2000mg of Vitamin D

Secondly I help my patients schedule a weekly sensuous date night. A few hours every week is mandatory if you want to have a great relationship. The longer I’m a therapist the more I am sold on sensuous date nights. Here’s what we do in our house. We each take two nights a month that is carved in stone on the calendar. On our nights, we take the initiative as to the activity. The evening has to have a sensuous component. Meaning whipped cream, picnic, candles, trip to the adult store, parking, massage, skinny dipping. The list of suggestions on www.loveandlipstick.com is diverse.

Finally, we plan either a weekend or week long trip together twice a year. Making the relationship more important than the kids hockey a couple times a year is essential. Otherwise those kids are in a single parent family. Once you both know when you are being intimate you can anticipate, quit spending brain space stressing about it, and are more likely to have spontaneous quickies over and above the scheduled times.

Call your doctor, grab the calendar and make some plans. Your relationship needs the attention.