hot1The Everyone wants to know that they and their partner have an enviable intimate life. At least that you are having better sex than your friends so you can brag about it. If you’ve been in a relationship for a number of years you know that your intimate time can go from “can’t keep your hands off each other” to “hallway sex.” That’s where you pass each other in the hallway and ask “was it good for you?”

I’ve long been preaching out the need to schedule three hours a week for connected, sensuous time for your marriage. study out of the University of California at Berkley suggest that if you can’t give your relationship three uninterrupted hours a week, then it is your marriage that’s on its way to becoming a statistic.
I think it’s more than three hours doing the horizontal mambo with the door locked. I think its trying out creative suggestions to stay connected. That includes playing games, getting your adrenaline up, or a little friendly competition. This means bridge nights with your neighbors, or a game of trivia at the local bar. By competing on the same team, you’ll also improve communication and cooperation, the two behavioral foundations of sexual success.

Secondly, reminding your partner of a time when your sex life was hot and connected. The brain’s internal archivist responds best to strong contextual cues-smells, environments, music, textures, even certain foods-so orient out long-term memories into another night of passion.

Ask what your partner likes in an anonymous way. I love the website mojoupgrade.com. It asks you what turns you on and then sends the list to your partner in a discreet email.

Finally, all over touch. Plan in some cuddle time. I know it sounds simple but it’s huge for releasing oxytocin (see above). Physical contact(cuddling!) and muscle massage both unleash oxytocin and relax both partners. I do an exercise of daily, non-genital touch that is one of my most successful shifting exercises in therapy. I have a list of all the new ideas (everything from painting toes to the best places to park). Get in touch with me at suem@rogers.com and I’ll email you the updated list.