There’s an article in this week’s Maclean’s Canada’s weekly magazine talking to therapisr Esther Perel about boring sex in marriages. She says in her experience it’s just as often the men who withhold sex in the relationship (not my experience in practice, but I know there are men who will turn it down). She said two things that really resonated with me, and that I have been talking about for awhile. The first is that "desire needs seperateness, a certain space in order to thrive….eroticism thrives on mystery, novelty and risk." I think this is absolutely true, and having this Linda/Paul McCartney love affair where one person is everything and you never need to be apart (they only ever spent one night apart) is unrealistc for most people. It can also make the sex seem stale after awhile. I think the best sex is keeping it hot in a committed relationship where you try everything and anything to keep the sexual antics and dialogue spicy.
She also talks about monogamy as a negotiation not an assumption. She says gay couples seem to understand this, but for everyone else, "monogamy is the sacred cow of romantic ideals". Her suggustion is that throughout your married life you re-do your vows and add, change, edit, the meanings around sex may be the healthies model. I think I agree with her.